Managing your negative inner voice

It’s 6:55 am. You just woke up and real­ize you have a meet­ing at 7:30 am and agreed to grab cof­fee for your cowork­ers. The line at the dri­ve-thru is always wrapped around the build­ing by 7:00 am and the slow barista is prob­a­bly work­ing today, but you think you can make it.

You spring out of bed, jump into the show­er and do the abbre­vi­at­ed ver­sion of your morn­ing rou­tine. You run through the events of your day and it dawns on you that you are hav­ing your in-laws over for an ear­ly din­ner tonight. You agreed with your spouse a few days ago to orga­nize the mess in the liv­ing room before they arrive at 5:00pm, but you have a work-relat­ed call that’s going to end 30 min­utes before that — at the ear­li­est. You devise a plan. As you fin­ish pulling on your socks, you real­ize: you haven’t yet said a sin­gle word today. All of this think­ing has hap­pened in your head.

Has any­thing like this ever hap­pened to you?

Most adults have an inner voice that nar­rates, rea­sons, and strate­gizes all day long. Psy­chol­o­gists call this inter­nal mono­logue or self-talk. For most adults, the inner voice could be what caus­es stress in your life.

How you talk to yourself impacts your quality of life and well being.

We all deal with this inner voice dif­fer­ent­ly, but what if man­ag­ing your inner voice could help you become more pro­duc­tive and pleas­ant in your life and work?

What if managing your inner voice could help you become more productive and pleasant in your life and work?

Negative talk

Your inner voice is what inter­prets your boss’s lat­est com­ment. Why did he say that? Am I going to get fired? Was it the expres­sion on my face? Why is he always like this?!

Positive talk

On the oth­er hand, your inner voice is what brings mean­ing and under­stand­ing to your life. Oh yeah, I remem­ber why I took this job. I can put up with this. I’ve got this!

We talk to our­selves all the time. You may have heard of the phrase “pos­i­tive self talk!” — a chant that sounds nice but can seem a lit­tle weird. Here’s a dif­fer­ent way to think about it: telling our­selves sto­ries.

Telling ourselves stories

We have the abil­i­ty to tell our­selves sto­ries in our lives. Jonathan Gottschall illus­trates how we tell our­selves a sto­ries in his book, The Sto­ry­telling Ani­mal: How Sto­ries Make Us Human:

We are, as a species, addict­ed to sto­ry. Even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself sto­ries . . . The sto­ry­telling mind is aller­gic to uncer­tain­ty, ran­dom­ness, and coin­ci­dence. It is addict­ed to mean­ing. If the sto­ry­telling mind can­not find mean­ing­ful pat­terns in the world, it will try to impose them. In short, the sto­ry­telling mind is a fac­to­ry that churns out true sto­ries when it can, but will man­u­fac­ture lies when it can’t.”

Jonathan Gottschall

Even if you don’t remem­ber your dreams, you may have expe­ri­enced the joy of wak­ing up and being able to see some­thing so much more clear­ly. You may have also expe­ri­enced the oppo­site: wak­ing up and feel­ing fear or anx­i­ety about an issue, only to find out lat­er, every­thing was ok. This is because our brains con­tin­ue to work while we are sleep­ing: solv­ing prob­lems and bring­ing mean­ing to our lives, even when the mean­ing is wrong. This can become prob­lem­at­ic when we have a neg­a­tive or wrong mind­set regard­ing issues at work.

Our inner voice intersecting with our work

Many of our jobs today are knowl­edge-based posi­tions. We make sense of infor­ma­tion and make deci­sions based on inputs. You know this is true because if you’re read­ing this and fol­low­ing, you prob­a­bly don’t work in a fac­to­ry every day. Peter Druck­er called this knowl­edge work. Mer­lin Mann sim­pli­fied this by say­ing we bring val­ue to infor­ma­tion.

Bring­ing val­ue to infor­ma­tion in our work requires our brains to be func­tion­ing at their best. Too often, as you prob­a­bly expe­ri­ence, our brains are not at our best. Qui­et­ing the neg­a­tive voice in our heads could be your path to doing bet­ter work in your job and mak­ing great con­tri­bu­tions in your fam­i­ly.

How we talk to our­selves is direct­ly cor­re­lat­ed to how pro­duc­tive and pleas­ant we will be. In oth­er words, man­ag­ing your inner voice is some­thing you will always have to deal with and it will always impact your work­ing mind­set.

A possible solution....

Dr. Neil Fiore, author of The Now Habit: A Strate­gic Pro­gram for Over­com­ing Pro­cras­ti­na­tion and Enjoy­ing Guilt-Free Play explains that many adults bring over a I have to inner voice from child­hood. This “have to” voice leads to pro­cras­ti­na­tion and stress. An exam­ple would be I have to do my tax­es or I have to attend this event.

Accord­ing to Fiore, the “have to” voice cre­ates stress and frus­tra­tion because it reminds us what it was like to be a help­less child when we could not con­trol our sched­ule and assign­ments. The real­i­ty is, we are no longer chil­dren, and while we do have oblig­a­tions to our fam­i­lies, job, and coun­try, mak­ing our­selves do stuff cre­ates a sense of over­whelm and make our­selves feel like a cog in the sys­tem.

His solu­tion is to use a “I choose to” voice, which reminds us that we have agency, we have con­trol, we are adults. When you tell your­self I choose to do my tax­es (or what­ev­er), you remem­ber you have con­trol over when it gets done and how it will hap­pen. You may not con­trol the dead­line, but you do con­trol how you can man­age it. This can apply to oth­er tasks in your job and fam­i­ly such as orga­niz­ing your files, send­ing an email, or clean­ing the toi­lets.

The secret to man­ag­ing your inner voice is to remem­ber it needs to be man­aged. Just like a good man­ag­er would do at a great com­pa­ny, con­sid­er how you may be able to play the role of the manger for your thoughts. Remind your­self that you have the abil­i­ty to CHOOSE what to focus your atten­tion on, you can CHOOSE what to ignore, and choose what things you will allow to loop in your brain as you oper­ate in your dai­ly life.

Excellence is your next email”

In an inter­view with Daniel Pink, lead­er­ship guru Tom Peters says “excel­lence is your next email.”

Peters is known for say­ing, “Excel­lence is the next five min­utes.” That’s true, too.

The point of his com­ment is that it’s com­mon to believe excel­lence is some huge kind of feat. In oth­er words, our default is to believe excel­lence requires enor­mous plan­ning, prepa­ra­tion, and per­se­ver­ance. The truth is excel­lence starts with how you approach all the mico-deci­sions in your life and work. This includes seem­ing­ly mun­dane deci­sions like com­mu­ni­cat­ing with our cowork­ers and how we main­tain our envi­ron­ment.

Excel­lence starts with how you approach all the mico-deci­sions in your life and work

Josh Mitchell

Peters con­tin­ues: “In a five line email, you reveal every sin­gle impor­tant ele­ment of your per­son­al­i­ty and view of life.” Peters remarks to Dan that they both know this is true.

Cue it up to 10:50 to hear Tom Peter’s riff on “Excel­lence is...”

When life and work get crazy, spend­ing time to thought­ful­ly craft a mes­sage in writ­ing requires focus and think­ing. We resist high­er lev­el think­ing and rea­son­ing. We want to achieve the end goal with­out deal­ing with the messy mid­dle.

As you reflect on your work, do you approach micro-actions with any lev­el of excel­lence?

Excel­lent email writ­ing doesn’t have to look super fan­cy or be “Eng­lish on stilts.” It doesn’t mean you have to start have all the cor­rect gram­mar and punc­tu­a­tion (key word start). It means you have con­sid­er your read­er and the issue at hand. It means paus­ing and think­ing about the ques­tions some­one might have when they read your writ­ing. It means car­ing for oth­ers: show­ing empa­thy and con­nec­tion.

What are you reveal­ing about your per­son­al­i­ty when you send an email?

What are you reveal­ing about your view of life when you share your writ­ing?

Peters’ obser­va­tion rings true for me. Many of my cowork­ers and col­leagues reveal so much about their val­ues in the way they write. Some take the time to write thought­ful, clear words. This earns trust. Oth­ers spew out infor­ma­tion onto the screen. This caus­es frus­tra­tion and extra work.

Have you con­sid­ered how you can spread excel­lence in your micro-actions?

There will always be opposition

Have you ever encoun­tered some­one who doesn’t agree with your point of view or see things the same way you do? I’m sure you’ve expe­ri­enced the ten­sion that lies when you have an idea but know some­one is going to chal­lenge you. This is what makes the world a beau­ti­ful place, but it can annoy us and stress us out. We can prob­a­bly agree with this state­ment: there will always be some­one who does not approve our work.

So, if it’s true there will always be oppo­si­tion, how then might we adjust our behav­ior?

If it’s true there will always be at least one per­son who doesn’t like what we’re up to, what might we need to con­sid­er in our mind­set and think­ing?

If it’s true all peo­ple will not see things the same way we do, what’s next?

Adjusting our behavior

One of the ways we can deal with oppo­si­tion is to adjust our behav­ior. As humans, we have the abil­i­ty to change the nar­ra­tive, change our think­ing, and see the world dif­fer­ent­ly. Some of this hap­pens in our think­ing pat­terns or in the invis­i­ble world. Some of this hap­pens in the exter­nal or phys­i­cal world. How we behave exists in both of these worlds.

Since there will always be oppo­si­tion, make an agree­ment with your­self that you will not sulk or get dis­cour­aged when you hear some­one who doesn’t like what you said. There will always be peo­ple who don’t get you, and you knew that before­hand! If you didn’t know that, it’s true, right? We can’t live every moment of our lives in terms of those who oppose us.

Since there will always be oppo­si­tion, change your sur­round­ings. Switch things up. You don’t have to have your desk in that dark cor­ner. Your room does not have to be paint­ed that col­or. Make a sim­ple tweak to your sur­round­ings to help you remem­ber you have the abil­i­ty to change your sur­round­ings. Charles Duhigg illus­trates this in his book Smarter Faster Bet­ter where he describes how mem­bers of the mil­i­tary were giv­en the abil­i­ty to rearrange the fur­ni­ture in their liv­ing quar­ters. This gave each per­son a sense of auton­o­my and a deep­er sense of con­trol. You can do the same.

Since there will always be some­one who doesn’t like your work, decide now that you won’t let that freeze you up. The last thing you should do is freeze up and stop mak­ing stuff. That’s what the oppo­si­tion wants. Decide on the front end that you will cre­ate art. If there are peo­ple who don’t get it, as Seth Godin would say, it wasn’t for them.

Mindset and thinking questions... (Invisible world)

As you think about your inter­nal dia­logue or your invis­i­ble world, you can struc­ture how you want to think about your work.

How much atten­tion are you going to give the oppo­si­tion? Decide before it destroys your day.

How much atten­tion will you give your sup­port team? Know who they are so you can run to them in emer­gen­cies.

What voic­es ulti­mate­ly mat­ter most in your life? Brené Brown sug­gests hav­ing a 1 inch by 1 inch piece of paper with the voic­es that are most encour­ag­ing in your life. It’s small on pur­pose. Let them know they are on your square and keep them close, espe­cial­ly when you feel dis­cour­aged.

What’s next? (Physical world)

If it’s true there WILL be oppo­si­tion, Get to work. What are you wait­ing for?

Stop com­plain­ing. You knew this wouldn’t be easy.

Butt in chair. Thanks, Anne Lam­ott

Find out what inspires you — and come back to it when you’re dis­cour­aged. Keep a rainy day file.

Use criteria to create momentum

Objec­tiv­i­ty, truth, data, facts, sci­ence, and proven stud­ies all accom­plish some­thing for those that con­sid­er them­selves thinkers.

A plea to “be objec­tive” rids any hint of sub­jec­tive emo­tion, sto­ries, feel­ings, and ideas from being cred­itable. It counts sub­jec­tiv­i­ty as some­thing not to be used or val­ued.

But what if we’ve got­ten it wrong? What if dis­miss­ing sub­jec­tiv­i­ty (and all the emo­tions and less­er things that go with it) is a big mis­take?

Human tendency: to know things.

There’s a pull we have as humans to want to know why and find the real answer that caus­es some­thing to be true. So when we find facts backed by bal­anced stud­ies and research, it’s like find­ing a firm foun­da­tion. By plac­ing our trust in facts, we don’t have to rely on our inad­e­qua­cies, weak­ness­es, or fear that we might be wrong. How could I have known that study wasn’t con­duct­ed prop­er­ly — it’s not my fault!

On the oth­er hand, as humans we have feel­ings, ideas, and sto­ries that aren’t backed by any kind of con­clu­sive, sci­en­tif­ic study. We have raw heart and emo­tion. The best lead­ers, thinkers, writ­ers, and doers have all fig­ured out some way of man­ag­ing their raw emo­tion so they can get through the day and engage with oth­er peo­ple.

One option some­times offered is to “put our feel­ings in the back seat.” is that we can put our emo­tions on the side­lines and count them as part of the expe­ri­ence of what it is to be a per­son.

Maybe you’ve heard some­one say some­thing like, “oh that’s just sub­jec­tive” or “I hear what you’re say­ing but that’s not real­ly root­ed in facts.” Basi­cal­ly, a ten­den­cy to dis­miss things that are felt...

Another option... define criteria

Maybe there’s anoth­er option. Maybe the ten­den­cy to dis­miss things (espe­cial­ly sub­jec­tive remarks) is an inabil­i­ty to define cri­te­ria.

Defining criteria takes effort and concentration

Many of us do not take the time to define cri­te­ria. Defin­ing cri­te­ria takes effort. It takes time. To define cri­te­ria for some­thing means we

Defining criteria requires our slow, deliberate brain (not our fast, fear brain)

Our slow brain is the part of our neu­rol­o­gy that engages in high­er-order think­ing, plan­ning, and rea­son­ing. Our fast brain is the part of our head that thinks we are going to jail if we behave prop­er­ly.

When we have to “define cri­te­ria” we have to go beyond objec­tiv­i­ty

Decide to focus

The Focused State” is some­thing you may be look­ing to reach. You may have reached it once or twice before but find that it’s hard to repli­cate and repro­duce on com­mand.

You may blame your boss, spouse, or lack of time. You’ll blame any­thing and any­one. I’ve been there.

Choosing to focus takes effort.

Focus takes dis­ci­pline and per­spec­tive to make good deci­sions on what you need to focus on and why it is appro­pri­ate for right now.

But what we often miss with focus is that it’s a deci­sion. You and I must DECIDE to focus — to qui­et the voice that says we need to be work­ing on some­thing else.

Focus is a decision

When you make the deci­sion to focus, you direct your atten­tion away from the triv­ial and toward a top­ic. You block out dis­trac­tions and clar­i­fy the win. You decide what will con­sume your atten­tion and how far you need to get before you’re will­ing to let up.

Choose to focus

You have a choice today. You can decide to focus. Or you can let some­one else do it for you.

Asking “how might we” questions

A pow­er­ful tool to help your lead­er­ship is to ask great ques­tions. Yes, there is such a thing as a bad ques­tion. In school, teach­ers some­times say there’s no such thing as a bad ques­tion. Good advice for young stu­dents. Bad advice for adults. There are many WRONG ques­tions that we can ask that we don’t need to be ask­ing. There are WRONG ques­tions we can ask about our spouse or about how things are in the world. Here’s anoth­er exam­ple of a bad ques­tion:

Zoom example of a BAD question.jpg
No. You suck. Bad ques­tion.

Change your ques­tion, change your focus. 

HOW MIGHT WE...”  questions

How might we...” ques­tions allows the brain to engage in the high­er-lev­el think­ing of the brain instead of oper­at­ing out of the low­er-lev­el “fear” mind­set.

In your per­son­al life ...

  • How might I find ways to get 7–8 hours of sleep each night?
  • How might I find more ener­gy each day?
  • How might I go deep­er in my rela­tion­ships?
  • How might we find more ways to spend time togeth­er?
  • How might we cre­ate a less stress­ful envi­ron­ment in our home?
  • How might we spend less time on screens?

In your role as a leader... 

  • How might we bet­ter serve our cus­tomers and clients?
  • How might we moti­vate and employ­ees and staff?
  • How might we cre­ate a fan­tas­tic expe­ri­ence for every­one?
  • How might we best com­mu­ni­cate this idea?

Start asking these questions today!

The best thing is you don’t have to buy any­thing or learn any­thing else to start using “how might we” ques­tions. 

A pow­er­ful exten­sion is to make sure your whole group or team is ask­ing the same ques­tion togeth­er. Change the ques­tions, change the focus. 

This post was inspired by Jake Knapp’s book, Sprint